The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
October already? What’s next? November????
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!