I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE