4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!