4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.