4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.