4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.