4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.