4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
an octopus is just a wet spider
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.