@ashleyaustrew: 4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."
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@knot_eye: I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today. My Wife wasn't. She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse. Odd, we don't own a dog.
@Reverend_Scott: REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this? ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes [a 31st dog walks by] ME: oh no
@Gooooats: Instead of food, I put a note in my kid's lunchbox that says, "just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children."
@Swain_Train47: My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone "Target is on the move.”