If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
what?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Somebody call the cops.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣