A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
In case you needed to hear it:
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.