4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
This is a sub tweet
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim