Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore