Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
True statement👍😏😁
December birthdays be like…
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
There’s only one good girl here!
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.