4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Passwords are more important than ever.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come