@BuckyIsotope: 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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@weinerdog4life: The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.
@aveuaskew: Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag! Me: *sets bag on fire*
@bingowings14: As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
@garrydavenport: Me: "If Americans say 'sidewalk', what do we mean in England?" My six year old: "Crab!"