Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.