{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.