i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
(Musicians.)
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*checks Timeline*…
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.