Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Duck typos.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.