Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob