Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!