4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
That’s classic.
Wednesday
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.