4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.