4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it