4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world