4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.