4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Yes my dude
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Put this video in the Louvre
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.