4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Customize Your Wedding.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
DOOO EEEET
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.