4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I mean…but I did
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away