4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.