4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
#ParentingFacts
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
me, after any kind of buffet.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.