4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You Might Also Like
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted