Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied