4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
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Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.