4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
sin harder.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.