@flashember: ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

@JawnQSack: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

@KenJennings: Motion to rename biological clock "restless egg syndrome."

@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

@jwoodham: Find a way to dress up as "accidentally liking someone's Facebook picture from 2 years ago" and really scare people this Halloween.