4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
So true for me
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test