4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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every single time
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.