4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
how to have an accident 101
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
🤣🤣