4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.