4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.