4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
You Might Also Like
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”