4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
You Might Also Like
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”