4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.