4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
How to properly lift a body
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
not to brag, but mine was free
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this