4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman