Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.