@vivalamoi448: 4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: ... Go tell your father I said to come here.
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@apollilaire: i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: "tell me the meaning of life". when the door bell rings there's only an empty box
@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
@thebabylady7: Me: Man, I'm exhausted! I'm going to get a good night's sleep tonight. Toddler: hold my sippy cup
@storming01: In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump... .