Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
This hospital has everything
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.