gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Finally, a door that understands me
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Life is a suicide mission.