*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
OMG 🤣🤣
These are my roll models.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes