*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*exercises sarcastically*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.