4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Had to try this trend 😊
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.