burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
all that yoga finally paid off
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Cashiers are always checking me out
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.