If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Ummm
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Realize this:
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.